Wednesday, July 30, 2025

16 months

 



16 months 


     16 months ago- it was a very traumatic day.   I will always continue to think about the love of my life, my partner, my best friend.   There are several different types of titles added to my name and about of all those.   The title i hate the most is Widow.  To me when you have that title attached to your name, there are other names you can add 1)SURVIVOR- 2) FIGHTER & 3) TOUGH WOMAN.  That's all I can think of. 


     The last month has been a rough one.  I wish you were here to help us out.  If it wasn't for my Dad.  I don't know what I would be doing.  I have been pulled mentally in a million different directions.   But some how I always remember & figure things out. 

      I also discovered that I am now a year older than Timmy.   He would have been 47 in March.  I will be 47 next week.   And this is my 2nd birthday with out him.  

     And I have some good news- Kaleb starts his new job on Sunday.   


Please continue to say a prayer for us as we figure out what's going on with Mom & Carolyn. 






Saturday, June 28, 2025

15 months- missing you

 15 months-Missing you



      15 months = 65.179 weeks 
15 months = 456.25 days
15 months = 10950.012 hours
15 months = 657000.72 minutes 
15 months = 39420043.2 seconds
15 months = 39420043200 milliseconds 

 
     15 months- I have been working hard to verbally express my emotions using different words.  Right now, I am frustrated because there are several things no one tells you about when you become a widowed. 

     The 1st is loneliness- which has been hard.  Although I have Kaleb that's different.   Because I have no one to snuggle with at night.  I don't have/ had a bad dream.  Or someone to close to when trying to relax to go to sleep. 

    The 2nd is the financial issues- I am learning as I go - going from 2 income family to a 1 income family has been really hard.  Going from paycheck to paycheck & even taking on a part-time job,  which it's physical draining.  But it helps a little.   Kaleb has been trying to help.  But he has filled out 20+ applications.  But not one bite.  But at least he helps out at home.  

     I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I do this day by day.

     Please continue to pray for us as we try to figure this out.   Please pray for me as I continuously make it day by day.

















 



Friday, May 30, 2025

14 months

 

 




14 months 


     14 months seems like a long time. It's is to someone who has lost someone. People have told me, that it will be okay. I have tried to comprehend that, but I relieved that day from day to day. I tried not to think about it. But it's hard. 


     I hear a song. I see one of his hats. I see one of his shirts or something that has JR Tobacco on it. It's HARD!! I know I don't show it, but it's been rough.   

14 months - 60.833 weeks 

14 months- 425.834 days

14 months- 10220.011 hours 

14 months- 613606.7 minutes 

14 months- 36792040.3 seconds 

     But there is one thing that I am learning about myself.   I hate being lonely.   That's hard for me to say.   I'm tired of being ghosted.  That's all I  am going to say about that.  




I know I'm all over the place with this blog.  But lately it's how my brain works. 

Please continue to pray for us.






Thursday, May 1, 2025

13 months

 


13 months 


     I have been having trouble with writing this.  But, here it goes. It's a every day battle for me to understand why you left.   People have told me that it will get better.   Or you will get through it.   So far in my experience, this constantly sucks.

     I was talking to my therapist about this.   We were talking about Affirmations.  Did you know that there are Affirmations dealing with grief or loss?  Here are some:

  • I release the tension in my body and relax.
  • I take comfort in the memories of my loved one.
  • I will hold on to love & release the grief. 
  • I will give myself a break today. 
  • It's okay that I need time to grieve.
  • I can ask for help if I need it.



     It's been day by day.  And it's a learning experience as I go.  But who cares what I say.  
13  months = 56.488 weeks
13 months = 395.417 days
13 months = 9, 490.01 hours 
13 months = 369,400.624 minutes
13 months  = 34,164,037.4 seconds 
13 months = 34,164,037,440 milliseconds 

     It is really hard for me to say what I want.   Because I know I am going to have some things said back to me.  But I'm starting to learn, I don't care. But I'm a work in progress with everything that is going on with me.  

     There are some new things that I have going on.  Yes, once you lose a spouse- life has to keep on going.  


 Please continue to pray for us as we figure everything out.   




Friday, March 28, 2025

365 days - gone to long

 


365 days - gone to long


     I am trying to find the words to explain emotions & how I feel about today and the next couple of days.   I'm trying to explain my emotions with it being a year since I lost Timmy.  When people say that you will be okay.  Sorry no the flip you will not be okay.  It may get better.   But not right now.  That day is played over & over inside my head.  When you see your spouse take their last breath.  When the doctor's or nurse's come in & say "I'm sorry for your loss!"

     I have tried to put it in another part of my mind.  But everytime, I open my car door & look down at the pavement or gravel.   No matter where I am at parking my car. I am looking for Timmy to be there.  I know that sounds crazy.   But now it's a habit.  

     I want to see his face.  I want to hear his voice & I want him to walk through the door.   But I know that's not going to happen.   The last year has been an emotional living h--l. 

     It's been day by day. Which is?

1 year - 12 months

1 year - 365 days

1 year - 52.143 weeks 

1 year - 8, 760 hours

1 year- 525,600 minutes 

1 year- 31,536,000 seconds


      I know some people may say that's not alot.   But to someone who has lost a spouse or a love one it is.  

     I found this song.  And if you listen to the words, it describes Timmy very well. It is "Angel" by Beverly Mitchell.  If you have never heard this song, here are the words to it.

Angel

Beverly Mitchell 

Have you ever met an Angel 
Whose smile is like the sun
Whose laugh is like a melody 
That reaches everyone.

Have you ever hugged an Angel 
Swept up in their embrace
I swear there's nothing
 In this world that makes
You feel that safe.

Have you ever really loved an Angel 
Once you have you'll never 
Be the same again. 
Have you ever had to let 
Go of an Angel
Say goodbye, let 'em fly
My Angel
My Best friend 

Have you felt the strength 
Of an angel
When you need it the most
Lifted by those gentle wings
You know you're not alone.
Every now & then I feel the peace inside 
Wherever life may take me, I'm guided by that light

Have you ever really loved an Angel
Once you have you'll never be the same again
Have you ever had to let go of an Angel
Say goodbye, let 'em fly
My Angel
My Best friend 

Cause I have really loved an Angel
How could I ever be the same
Cause I have had to let go of my Angel 
Say goodbye, let 'em fly
My Angel 
My Best friend 

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to honor Timmy.  



Monday, March 10, 2025

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy!



 Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy!







     I didn't realize that last year was the last time, we would celebrate your birthday.   For someone who has lost a spouse go on to celebrate their birthday after their passing.  It's hard to explain how I am feeling about this and we are going to do.   I do know that I will get a cake of some sort.  We will get a balloon and place it over at your spot. 


     I pretty sure you are celebrating with everyone up there and watching over us. I miss you so much.   I love you, Timmy.  


     Please pray for us as we figure everything out.  



Friday, February 28, 2025

11 months

 


11 months 


     I spoke with a first responder last night who I have known for almost all my life.   He asked me, how are you doing?  I told him, okay! People say that it's going to get better.  But Yeah, NO!!!!!!!!!   He said it gets tolerable.  I have never heard anyone say that before.  But it's been hard lately.  



     In my opinion the last 11 months have been a living h--l.  I have been experiencing a lot of 1st by myself.  And I know it's a learning process.  It's creepy and scary not knowing what I am doing.  Especially getting my taxes done.  My friend has told me, Day by day.  



    As I look at the date for today it's hard to believe that it's been 11 months since you became my guardian angel.   That's still hard for me to say.  But I know you are watching down & checking in on us.  With several things have changed.   But we got this.  


11 months - 47.798 weeks

11 months  - 334.584 days 

11 months  - 8030.009 hours 

11 months  - 481800.528 minutes 

11 months  - 28908031.0 seconds 


     We have several things coming up.  Makenna's birthday. Both Kaleb and I are volunteering at Station 13 now with the auxiliary.  Saturday is the BBQ supper.  Both Kaleb and I are working it.  Kaleb also got invited to Prom this year.  He accepted.  I know you are proud of Kaleb and how he has stepped up.   I miss you so much.  I will continue to honor you in everything that Kaleb & I do.






 


Please continue to pray for us as the next couple of months will be rough.