17 months

 17 months 

    

     17 months is a long time ago since I heard your voice, smelled your deodorant, & seen you walk in the door.  Yes, I am still asking 17 months later, Why could I have help more? What could I have done better?  I have been told to try to move on.  But no one knows what goes on inside someone's head after seeing their loved one pass in front of them.  

     There is only several different things that I have come to think about:

1) seeing other couples in public holding hands and hugging. 

2)  moving on in the future. 

     I have so much rage, because I see married couples holding hands, hugging & kissing.  Because I don't have it. 

     I wish I had something to hit with a bat to release some of this rage & some other kinds of emotions.   

     My therapist suggested that I start doing some more crafts - drawing, Crocheting, & other things.  I have made 1 scarf & 1 metal sign with design.  For me crocheting, I get my anger out on the yarn because if I mess up.  It helps, a little.   

16 months

 

16 months 

     16 months ago- it was a very traumatic day.   I will always continue to think about the love of my life, my partner, my best friend.   There are several different types of titles added to my name and about of all those.   The title i hate the most is Widow.  To me when you have that title attached to your name, there are other names you can add 1)SURVIVOR- 2) FIGHTER & 3) TOUGH WOMAN.  That's all I can think of. 

     The last month has been a rough one.  I wish you were here to help us out.  If it wasn't for my Dad.  I don't know what I would be doing.  I have been pulled mentally in a million different directions.   But some how I always remember & figure things out. 

      I also discovered that I am now a year older than Timmy.   He would have been 47 in March.  I will be 47 next week.   And this is my 2nd birthday with out him.  

     And I have some good news- Kaleb starts his new job on Sunday.   

Please continue to say a prayer for us as we figure out what's going on with Mom & Carolyn. 

15 months- missing you

 15 months-Missing you

      15 months = 65.179 weeks 

15 months = 456.25 days

15 months = 10950.012 hours

15 months = 657000.72 minutes 

15 months = 39420043.2 seconds

15 months = 39420043200 milliseconds 

 

     15 months- I have been working hard to verbally express my emotions using different words.  Right now, I am frustrated because there are several things no one tells you about when you become a widowed. 

     The 1st is loneliness- which has been hard.  Although I have Kaleb that's different.   Because I have no one to snuggle with at night.  I don't have/ had a bad dream.  Or someone to close to when trying to relax to go to sleep. 

    The 2nd is the financial issues- I am learning as I go - going from 2 income family to a 1 income family has been really hard.  Going from paycheck to paycheck & even taking on a part-time job,  which it's physical draining.  But it helps a little.   Kaleb has been trying to help.  But he has filled out 20+ applications.  But not one bite.  But at least he helps out at home.  

     I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I do this day by day.

     Please continue to pray for us as we try to figure this out.   Please pray for me as I continuously make it day by day.

 

14 months

 

 

14 months 

     14 months seems like a long time. It's is to someone who has lost someone. People have told me, that it will be okay. I have tried to comprehend that, but I relieved that day from day to day. I tried not to think about it. But it's hard. 

     I hear a song. I see one of his hats. I see one of his shirts or something that has JR Tobacco on it. It's HARD!! I know I don't show it, but it's been rough.   

14 months - 60.833 weeks 

14 months- 425.834 days

14 months- 10220.011 hours 

14 months- 613606.7 minutes 

14 months- 36792040.3 seconds 

     But there is one thing that I am learning about myself.   I hate being lonely.   That's hard for me to say.   I'm tired of being ghosted.  That's all I  am going to say about that.  

I know I'm all over the place with this blog.  But lately it's how my brain works. 

Please continue to pray for us.

13 months

 

13 months 

     I have been having trouble with writing this.  But, here it goes. It's a every day battle for me to understand why you left.   People have told me that it will get better.   Or you will get through it.   So far in my experience, this constantly sucks.

     I was talking to my therapist about this.   We were talking about Affirmations.  Did you know that there are Affirmations dealing with grief or loss?  Here are some:

• I release the tension in my body and relax.
• I take comfort in the memories of my loved one.
• I will hold on to love & release the grief. 
• I will give myself a break today. 
• It's okay that I need time to grieve.
• I can ask for help if I need it.

     It's been day by day.  And it's a learning experience as I go.  But who cares what I say.  

13  months = 56.488 weeks

13 months = 395.417 days

13 months = 9, 490.01 hours 

13 months = 369,400.624 minutes

13 months  = 34,164,037.4 seconds 

13 months = 34,164,037,440 milliseconds 

     It is really hard for me to say what I want.   Because I know I am going to have some things said back to me.  But I'm starting to learn, I don't care. But I'm a work in progress with everything that is going on with me.  

     There are some new things that I have going on.  Yes, once you lose a spouse- life has to keep on going.  

 Please continue to pray for us as we figure everything out.   

365 days - gone to long

 

365 days - gone to long

     I am trying to find the words to explain emotions & how I feel about today and the next couple of days.   I'm trying to explain my emotions with it being a year since I lost Timmy.  When people say that you will be okay.  Sorry no the flip you will not be okay.  It may get better.   But not right now.  That day is played over & over inside my head.  When you see your spouse take their last breath.  When the doctor's or nurse's come in & say "I'm sorry for your loss!"

     I have tried to put it in another part of my mind.  But everytime, I open my car door & look down at the pavement or gravel.   No matter where I am at parking my car. I am looking for Timmy to be there.  I know that sounds crazy.   But now it's a habit.  

     I want to see his face.  I want to hear his voice & I want him to walk through the door.   But I know that's not going to happen.   The last year has been an emotional living h--l. 

     It's been day by day. Which is?

1 year - 12 months

1 year - 365 days

1 year - 52.143 weeks 

1 year - 8, 760 hours

1 year- 525,600 minutes 

1 year- 31,536,000 seconds

      I know some people may say that's not alot.   But to someone who has lost a spouse or a love one it is.  

     I found this song.  And if you listen to the words, it describes Timmy very well. It is "Angel" by Beverly Mitchell.  If you have never heard this song, here are the words to it.

Angel

Beverly Mitchell 

Have you ever met an Angel 

Whose smile is like the sun

Whose laugh is like a melody 

That reaches everyone.

Have you ever hugged an Angel 

Swept up in their embrace

I swear there's nothing

 In this world that makes

You feel that safe.

Have you ever really loved an Angel 

Once you have you'll never 

Be the same again. 

Have you ever had to let 

Go of an Angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly

My Angel

My Best friend 

Have you felt the strength 

Of an angel

When you need it the most

Lifted by those gentle wings

You know you're not alone.

Every now & then I feel the peace inside 

Wherever life may take me, I'm guided by that light

Have you ever really loved an Angel

Once you have you'll never be the same again

Have you ever had to let go of an Angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly

My Angel

My Best friend 

Cause I have really loved an Angel

How could I ever be the same

Cause I have had to let go of my Angel 

Say goodbye, let 'em fly

My Angel 

My Best friend 

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to honor Timmy.  

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy!

 Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy!

     I didn't realize that last year was the last time, we would celebrate your birthday.   For someone who has lost a spouse go on to celebrate their birthday after their passing.  It's hard to explain how I am feeling about this and we are going to do.   I do know that I will get a cake of some sort.  We will get a balloon and place it over at your spot. 

     I pretty sure you are celebrating with everyone up there and watching over us. I miss you so much.   I love you, Timmy.  

     Please pray for us as we figure everything out.