Happy 2nd Heavenly birthday, Timmy!

 

Happy 2nd Heavenly birthday, Timmy!

          When it's a spouse's birthday, you always go out for it. Cake, balloons, gift & card. Or a routine out eating place. Well, when you have lost a spouse, you try to continue the same birthday traditions. But, it's hard to do that.  

     I also never imagined that March 11, 2024 would have been the last one. I also never imagined that I would be celebrating Timmy’s birthday without him. He was a big person celebrating birthdays- he really didn’t care about his on. It was always everyone else's. 

     With it being Timmy’s 2nd heavenly birthday, it's been hard. He would have been 48 this year. I will continue to honor his birthday by doing the same things that we always did. We will have cake. I will let Kaleb choose a balloon. We will probably eat at our 2 normal restaurants- Chick-fil-a & Mykonos.   

     I remember his 1st birthday, we celebrated together as a couple. We had a cake & a card. But at one point, financially it was really hard to get a cake & card. So we ended up getting a box cake & a homemade card. When we slowly got back on our feet, we were able to start going out to eat or on a day trip.  

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy! I love you & miss you so much. 🎂🧁❤️🎇

 

Remembering Timmy

 Remembering Timmy 

     As I sit here at my niece Makenna's 4 year old birthday party.   I wonder how Timmy would handling all this.  In my mind, he would be right there playing with our nephew Leighton on all the games.   I sure do miss him.  

Auntie Shortie aka: Cree Cree, Makenna, Leighton & Uncle Timmy has a angel watching over us. 

2026

July 4 Fireworks 

Makenna & Timmy 

Leighton's birthday - 1st time Timmy held Makenna 

     With it being 23 months since I have heard your voice, walking in the door & playing games with Leighton & Kaleb if he was there.  Or playing games by yourself.  

23 months- 99.941 weeks 

23 months- 699.584 days

23 months- 16790.018 hours 

23 months- 1007401.1 minutes 

23 months- 60444066.2 seconds 

     I have experienced somethings for the 1st time & with me to understand it.  It is hard.  And when I reflect on it, sometimes I think if Timmy were here it would be better.   Or I want the so stressed out about it.   But its so hard to explain what is going on.  

     In a couple of weeks, we will be celebrating your heavenly birthday.  We will probably do our normal celebratory birthday dinner.   If we are able to do so. And if we are financially able to. I love you & I miss you. 

Frustrating/ speaking my mind

Frustrating/ speaking my mind

     I know on this blog, I talk alot about missing Timmy.  How I am doing mentally, emotionally, physically and socially?  But what a lot of people don't talk about is all the struggles, you has as a widow.  You struggle with a lot & you tell no one about it.  It's like that Jelly Roll song, "I am not okay!"  

     First of all, when someone ask how you are doing?  Do want the short version or the long version?  The short version is that I am so-so.   The long version is - I have no down time- Caregiver of my mother in law, Mom & Dad.  Also, I have Kaleb.  I am working a full-time job and a part-time job (1/2 the year).  I am not a spring chicken.   I am mentally &physically falling apart. 

      Second of all, the emotional side. Lately I have been trying to change things by seeing a therapist.   It has worked.   But other days, its harder to express how I am feeling.   Sometimes I can talk to someone & I am good.  But it's the times when I can't find the words & I just want to sit by myself & just cry it out.  And when you break down, you have no one to console you.   Or to tell you that it is okay to cry, yell or beat the crap out of something.  

     Third of all, the mental side.  As many of you know my background- verbally bullied in school - which in turn being diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.  Currently added to the list- social anxiety, brain fog, widows fog.   Then you have to worry about the financial issues- are you going to have enough money to pay bills? Working your tail off paycheck to paycheck.  

     Fourth of all, the social side.  People invite you out to do things, but instead either you decline or they don't even follow through.   The reason you decline is because you don't physically want to go or you just want to be by yourself.   But you know you need to get out.   I have had a lot of plenty of people invite me out for a bite & I haven't heard from any of them again.

     Basically, what I am trying to say is.  If you don't know what to say to a widow or to do for them.  All you have to do is to show up.  Like I have said in the previous post/ blogs, I don't wish this on my worst nightmare.  

22 months- I'm not okay!

 

22 months & I am not okay!

22 months-  95.595 weeks

22 months- 669.167 days

22 months- 16060.018 hours 

22 months- 9636011.056 minutes 

22 months- 57816063.4 seconds 

     22 months- People may say its not a long time.  But 22 months  is a long dang time.  It's hard to explain, what a toll it takes on someone emotional, mentally, socially and physically.   I would love to wake up from this really bad dream. 

     The emotional, mental, physical & social side of the grieving process for me.  Isn't the golden rule. "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you!  I know almost everyone has gone through the grieving process in some form or fashion.   It's different for everyone.  It just frustrates me or irritates me.

     Most recently, I hate (harsh word I know) the way people comment to us as widows.  I have had so people say the Timmy, wouldn't like you this way.  Or people tell me, i don't like you this kind of mood.  Well, I'm sorry.   I am trying to change my attitude or change something that is going on inside of me.  

     Sometimes I feel like no one understands how I feel.  And I don't want to bug everyone about everything that I am going through in my head.   But who cares what Christy thinks or says.  So for me to explain, you might not understand.  

21 months

 21 months 

     In the last 21 months, I have learned how to push forward even if I didn't want to. I have to get out of bed & continue with my day.  I have learned some techniques on how to explain what is going on inside my head & my emotions.   But, I know people could careless about what i have to say.  But, I will continue to honor Timmy with everything I have.  

     There is one thing that I don't like is the word Widow.  I am a survivor.   I am a I guess you can say a Rockstar.   But I don't feel like it. I am so tired, overwhelmed and not doing anything extra except what is on my schedule.  I have always had to favorite sayings.   1, is you got this. 2. Is never give up. 

     When people tell me that, they don't know how I do it.  It's something that Timmy showed me.  To always be kind & help out.  I guess that is the reason, its hard for me to say no.  Because in my mind, I have to stay busy.  

21 months = 91.25 weeks 

21 months = 638.751 days

21 months = 15330.017 hours 

21 months = 919801.008 minutes 

21 months  = 55188060.5 seconds 

Since I heard your voice, seen you walk in the door, & held your hand.   

Merry Christmas 2025

 Merry Christmas 2025

Picture of Timmy 2023

      This Christmas was much harder being the 2nd Christmas without you.  It's been hard lately explaining my emotions and what is going on inside my head.  Last year, I was still numb.  We normally put the tree & yard decorations up after Thanksgiving. But, we finally got them put up this past weekend.   It was hard trying to figure out how i was going to provide presents for the family.  Some how it always works.   

My background on my phone 

     I was challenged by my therapist to change my back screen on my phone.  She wanted me to keep it up for the whole month of December.  So I chose the above picture of the Santa.  When I pulled my phone up, I noticed that it was Timmy.  I would go back to that today 

  I could picture him sitting in the chair beside the Christmas tree @ the daycare.   

     When we put up the tree & stockings it was hard not to see your stocking hanging up.  But with your 2 ornaments that I received from the funeral home, it was hard yo see them on the tree.  I will always continue to honor you with everything/ chance I get.  

Merry Christmas to everyone!  

Please continue to pray for us!

Happy Thanksgiving! 20 months

 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

20 months 

     With it today being Thanksgiving , it was a busy day of cooking & keeping everything going correctly.   With it being our 2nd Thanksgiving without you.  It was hard, but a emotional.   Last year, i was still numb & trying to figure everything out.   Which I still have not done.   It has been really hard to do that.  But it's a day by day.   I am thankful for family and friends who have had my back since we were lost Timmy.  

     With it being 20 months of losing you, it seems still hard.   I know I keep repeating this over & over - month after month.  But it seems like a really bad dream to where I would wake up & you were standing right in front of me.   I know that is impossible.   But if it wasn't for your deodorant, sweatshirt, & the picture of us in the living room. It would be hard.  

20 months- 86.905 weeks 

20 months- 608.334 days

20 months- 14600.016 hours 

20 months- 876000.96 minutes 

20 months- 52560057.6 seconds 

I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers.