The last couple of weeks

 

The last couple of weeks.

So I have been trying to explain what is going on in my head and how I am feeling.  But words just don't come to me like that right now.  So I am trying to talking it in my head & then type it.  If it doesn't sound good, then I am sorry.   But who cares.

This past week has been a living h---. I have lost my best friend, my husband and my partner.   As it showed today, he was very well loved.  I didn't know he knew so many people.  But I guess he did.  

Many of people have been checking in on me.  But all I can say is that I'm okay.  But blame well knowing that I am not.   It stinks, trying to find the words.  But I would like to thank everyone who has been checking on me.  

As I type this I am sitting on the front ramp, in the sun, listening to the birds and watching the crazy cars go by.  I gave seen a couple of cardinals both male and female.   And a crazy squirrel that chases the birds off. Getting side tracked, I was saying just being outside it's feels good to feel the sun on my face & the wind blowing my hair.   

Trying to stay busy is in my mind is what I need to do.  But its just  not what I want to do.  I do know that starting last Thursday, my attention span has been short with everyone.   I have tried my best to turn it around.   I hope I can. But I googled the stages of grief.  What I read as the stage 1- denial.  I also think that I am being a bother to people.   

Stage 1- Denial

It is scary.  Not knowing what is going on in your head.   But you want to shutdown.  But you can't.  You have everyone around you, & your are wanting to talk to someone.  But you can't explain.  I already suffer from Depression and Anxiety.  Both of them have really started showing their ugly heads. 

  Please continue to pray for us. 

Prayers for my Mom & Mother in law

 

Prayers for my Mom & Mother in law 

     My Mom has a lot of major health issues.  Her most recent issue is she has kidney disease.   The doctor didn't say what stage she was in.  But they did say they we're not going to do dialysis because she has Congested heart failure.   They don't want to put her through laying on her belly -4 hours a day for 4 days a week.  

  So basically if she is constant pain or can't be handle the pain.  The next thing is calling in hospice to see if it will help. 

 ‐----------------------------------------------------------------------

 With my Mother in law - Carolyn, she is doing good. She had an MRI done & they found a spot on her kidneys.  Both she & I went to her 1st appointment, it spot is 17mm or 1/2inch in size.  As of right now, theybwant to monitor her.  They want to have her come back in 4 months to get another scan done.  If nothing has changed they 6 months.   

  But if something changed then they will talk about the plan of action.   If not come back 9 months for a scan.  Same up to a year.  Their goal is to make it a yearly thing. 

So I will keep everyone posted on both ladies. 

Please say a prayer for all the family.  I am so overwhelmed with everything.  

Mental health issues/ The Holidays

 

Many people who have mental health issues, are not okay.  It is rough for someone to talk about what is going on inside their head.  If someone, wants to talk they don't know where to begin.  However, they beat around the bush.  Also the person may just shut down.  

Take it from someone who knows.  It's hard to open up and tell how you are feeling.  It's normal for me to say, I'm okay.  But actually I am not.  I try my best to have an upbeat attitude. 

I would love to spill my guts about the way I am feeling.   When I start, it may not be pretty.  I may have an a ugly cry.  But people might not care about what I have to say.   But you know what if I feel like talking I will.  And them I might let it tear me up.  

When I comes to the Holidays, it was easier when I was younger.  But now that I have other people depending on me it is even worse.  Someone with depression and anxiety during the holidays think about, "Am I going to have enough money to get the gifts for everyone?" "Are they going to like the gifts?" "If I get all the gifts, am I going to have enough money for the bills after?"  Those questions are just the start & not the only ones.  

As I sit her writing this, I'm trying not to tear up just thinking about those questions.   But it's true.  When I was growing up, it was rough on us.  We were blessed with extra help for the holidays.  We were grateful for the gifts & food.  

So, basically what I am asking for this holiday season.   If God places something on your heart to help someone in need, please do so.  You have know idea how it feels. 

I would like to thank everyone for listening to me vent.  I hope & pray everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Update on Mom

 Update on Mom

     She is good in recovery.   She has to take it easy the next couple of days.   The doctor was pleased the way everything went.  She has an appointment for check up in a couple of days.   Please continue to pray for us as we work through this. 

 I will keep everyone updated. 

Prayers for Mom

 

Prayers for Mom

    Everyone knows Mom has health issues.   She has added 2 more to the list.  She has congested heart failure & is on oxygen 24/7, now.  Many of you know she has always been on the go.  Nothing slows her down.  

   She has been keeping a record of her weight gain & loss.  When her heart doctor saw the records.  She said, that she would be a great candidate for this procedure.  

 It is called a CARDIOMEMS HF system.   It is the size of a paper clip.  Which it is a remote heart failure monitoring system that enables earlier and more proactive treatment to slow down your heart failure progression and keep you out of the hospital.   It also includes a tiny pressure-sensing device that measures pressure changes and sends the data to you care team.  The sensor will be placed in the artery, where it remains permanently.  

  Her procedure is tomorrow morning.  Please say a prayer for Mom, the Family & everyone else who is involved in the procedure.  

  I will keep everyone updated. 

A very concerned parent

      

     As a parent of a high school student.  I am very concerned about his mental and emotional status everyday, while he is at school.  

     Now days, I have heard of so many  teenagers committing suicide or so many attempting suicide.  It breaks my heart to hear about those on the news or in articles on Facebook/ newspaper.  Depression and anxiety are a very serious issue in today's society.   But, people who have it really don't want to admit something is wrong.  Take it from someone who does have it.  You have very dark and gloomy days & other days you are in a good mood.   

     When I was younger,  I was verbally bullied at school.  My middle & high school years were the worst years of my life.   To my knowledge,  back then we didn't have this problem.   I don't think we understood why we were down in the dumps.  Just that people were saying words that were hurting me.   

     With me being verbally bullied,  I felt worthless, not loved & I was never happy.  I always wanted to be invisible.  I felt like no one cared for me.  I was always down in the dumps.  And to the day, I still feel like this.   

     If you know of someone who suffers from depression,  please keep a check on them?  Even if it is a message, "Hey, how is it going?"  That always helps. 

Please say a prayer for everyone that suffers from Depression, anxiety or any other mental health issues!  

Unexpected loss of a loved one

 

I really needed to do this. I'm sorry if I offend anyone. 

The unexpected loss of a loved one is hard for family members to explain and understand. But it's like a mack truck has hit you head on or you walk into oncoming traffic. I know it happens to people every hour of every day. When it does happen everyone is left in shock. Right now from my experience, you are questioning (all these different things.)  

But as someone who just lost her Uncle unexpectedly, I don't know if it has really set in. I haven't had a good cry. But it hurts really bad. And my heart is broken (3 times).  

What can I say about my Uncle Johnny. He was a loving, hard worker, caring, friendly, handsome, very strong willed man. He most of all loved his family. He would do anything for them. IE: ( dress up like Santa when your Big brother is already dressed up like him, when your niece has no one to practice walking down the aisle at her wedding rehearsal until Father of the Bride gets there, he would come to Grammie's house when it was cold outside to help cut down a Pecan tree and use only a drop cord & a chainsaw.) 

I just recently found out that he didn't go to his softball game until he got to see & hold his 1st niece. According to everyone, he would make a point to see me (when I was a baby), while I was at Grandma & Grandpa's house.

 

A couple of weekends ago, Grammie, Jake and I were watching home videos of You, Grandpa, Ann, Sherry & Clayton in a swimming pool. I felt like I wanted to cry. But I couldn't, I was laughing so hard my cheeks were hurting. Then we watched a couple of other ones. It was also very strange, but very unique that Jake was driving your truck over to Grammie's.  

I miss not seeing you go buy the daycare and toot the horn at me. I miss you criticizing how Grammie's Monthly Christmas tree. It's also hard not to call you and say, "Hey, Uncle Ho ho!" Joke between the both of us. You also encouraged me to start making Welcome signs, with different things on it.

I love you & I miss you so much.   Thank you for being my Uncle.