A rough day/ week

 A rough day/ week

     The grieving process is a tricky thing that completely stinks when it hits.  I have been mentally trying to figure out what is going on inside my head.   But then yesterday morning, I woke up in a very emotional mood.   I cried for more than a 1.5.  But I was so livid, angry, ticked off & I realized that I was only angry @ one person, I am not suppose to be mad at the person.  But I with the grieving process, I have heard that you can be mad.  But this person can not get mad or angry back to you.  All he can do is encourage you by sending you things & you in the right direction.   

     But when I looked at the calendar, why am I mad or in a mood?  I realized that it is our wedding anniversary week.  It would have ben 23 years. I really don't miss Timmy every day.  

31 months 💔

 31 months- 💔

31 months- 2.583 years

31 months- 134.703 weeks

31 months- 942.918 days

31 months- 22630.025 hours 

31 months- 1357801.49 minutes 

31 months- 81468089.3 seconds 

     People can be harsh & cruel to widows & widower.  The try their best to take advantage of them.  Some will fall & some will get shut down.  You start opening up to people & they either listen or don't care.  It has been 2.5 years, since Timmy passed.   He was someone who saw me & he was my safety net from everything.   

     The safety net broke when Timmy passed.  I have been dealing with some mental & physical health issues.  In my opinion, no one prepares you that being a widow will break you down more than you ever know.  You have some that started out supporting you @ the beginning.  Then just stopped or you never hear from them again. 

Please continue to pray for us!

     

30 months- Far to long

30 months- Far to long

 30 months- 2.5 years

30 months- 130.357 weeks

30 months- 912.501 days

30 months- 21900.024 hours 

30 months- 1314001.44 minutes 

30 months- 78840086.4 seconds 

There are things that I miss so much. His voice, his deodorant smell & him walking in the door. I miss him sitting on the edge of the bed.  

For me to fathom that 2.5 years ago that I lost the love of my life is unimaginable. But it happened. Ever since Timmy’s passing, I have constantly stayed busy & not slowed down. But I think my mind didn't listen to my body. And my body said, we are done with you not listening. So we are taking you out of commission. And that's not fun. So, yeah that has happened. 

But I have been trying to get out more. I was invited to go to the lake this past weekend. It was a well needed time away. I had so much fun there.  

Next month, I am so busy with a crazy schedule. And then a couple of weeks break before the holidays. For a widow, the holidays are a rough time. Shopping for family members, putting up the tree & yard decorations out.  

Thank everyone for supporting us through the years. 

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29 month- People have been wondering if I am okay!

 

29 months- People have been wondering if I am okay!

29 months- 2.417 years

29 months- 126.012 weeks 

29 months- 882.084 days

29 months- 21170.023 hours 

29 months- 1270201.39 minutes 

29 months- 76212083.5 seconds 

     29 months still feels like a lifetime gone by.  It also feels like yesterday.   The last week I have felt something was off.  Well, I finally figured it out what it was.  As I sit here at Ace Speedway thinking how you would be here right with me.  But I know you are looking down on me & saying, "You got this, Christy!"  I am still trying to figure everything out.  I am so overwhelmed with everything going on in my everyday life.   

     Now with football season starting up.  It will be hard to turn on the TV & not see your favorite football- Alabama play. 

     I have alot going on in the next couple of months.  September is a laid back month.  Then October comes in really busy.  A couple of Fridays & every Saturday are slammed on my activities calendar.  Then comes November and December, the 2 rough months for someone who is grieving. 

     I have had several encounters with Timmy in the last couple of weeks.   1) Timmy wore Old Spice Cologne & this past week I was laying in bed when I smelled this strong smell of Old Spice. 2) Dad was still awake one night, when he said, I smell cigarette smoke.  As many of you know Timmy worked at JR Tobacco & he would come home smelling like tobacco, cigarette smoke or cigars.  So, I guess Timmy was letting us know that he was there with us. 

     Our neighborhood has been hit with some really bad weather lately.   I was checking on our next door neighbor.  She proceeds to tell me that she thinks we have someone protecting us during the rough storms.   I told her that I feel safe at that time.

Please continue to pray for us. 

 

28 months- It's getting harder

28 months- It's getting harder 

     28 months-  it seems like yesterday.  It's hard not to look at the front door when Kaleb walks in.  It's hard not to listen for your voice.  And yes I still have your deodorant on my dresser.  I have mentioned that to some people & they look at me like I have 4 eyes.  But who cares!  I have learned how not to worry about people who are judging me.   

28 weeks - 2.333 years

28 weeks- 121.667 weeks

28 weeks- 851.668 days

28 weeks- 20440.022 hours 

28 weeks- 1226401.34 minutes 

28 weeks - 73584080.6 seconds 

     I have went from invisible in school to be in charge of getting the 30th class reunion of 1996, started & in motion.   You would be right there by my side in all of this process.   And you would definitely say that I got this!  Then you would be asking me if I needed any help.   

     I have learned that there is not a bear chasing me.   But I can definitely do new things.  It's also a learning experience for me as I go.  I tell people I'm a work in progress & some just laugh.   But I am learning to trust people again, learning to have several 1st by myself & learning to have 1st with Kaleb. So people please be patient with me. 

     There is also a 1st - I am down 72 lbs.  14 away from my 1st goal.  Reward- not right now.  Another thing- I am wearing a walking boot- 1st time.  Stress fracture in my foot.  And I will be celebrating my 3rd birthday without you.   That will be hard.  But I know you, Uncle Johnny, Jojo, Grandpa Leighton, Great Grandpa Sam and Great Grandma Nannie Lou & the other family members who are with you will be celebrating with us.  

     Please continue to pray for us.  

     

27 months- Realizing when I was seen

 

Realizing when I was seen

     Many people know about how I was verbally bullied in school.   I was trying to be invisible & not to be seen.  But apparently Timmy saw me & all my flaws.  Everytime in passing when I saw Timmy, we hugged & I felt so safe with him.  Then we would part out ways.  

     Then in passing again.  We would hug & he would not let me go.   I felt so safe like nothing was wrong or going on in my life at that time.  When he proposed to me, I knew I would be scared & safe at the same time.  

     Not understanding what was getting ready to happen.   But I knew one thing, when Timmy was around I knew I would be safe & seen.  He always told me that he loved the way I looked.  Mentally, I couldn't comprehend that because of all I went through when I was younger.   Timmy knew exactly what to say.  

     But when his incident happened, I lost my safe person & I lost my person who seen me.  Now I have to work on that & it has been really hard.   

     A couple of friends have given me hugs.  But it slightly helped.

     Since Timmy’s passing, I have had trouble looking at myself in the mirror to be seen.  That also has been really hard lately, too. 

     It has been 27 months since I have been seen & safe.  

27 months- 2 years & 3 months 

27 months- 823 days

27 months- 117.322 weeks

27 months- 19710.022 hours 

27 months- 1182601.3 minutes 

27 months- 70956077.8 seconds 

Please continue to pray for me as i try to figure things out. 

5 more minutes

     What you think if I said 5 more minutes? In my mind I keep repeating, I wish I had 5 more minutes with Timmy.  But it's hard to verbally express, why you want 5 more more with a loved one who has passed? 

Here is my reasons for my 5 more minutes. 

5 more minutes to hear his voice. 

5 more minutes to hold his hand.

5 more minutes to see him walk in the door.

5 more minutes to give him a hug.

5 more minutes to tell him that, " I love you!"

     There are some other ones that I can add.  But these are the big one.  

Please hug & tell your loved ones that you love them.  It doesn't matter if it is family, friends or sometimes a stranger.  It would make their day.