10 months- I'm trying.

 10 months - I'm trying

     Ok, I know these blog post are getting repeative & harder to do.   But it's hard to explain 10 months of grief to someone who is never experienced a loss of a partner or spouse. But I'm going to continue on doing this.  Because I can explain more on paper than verbally & I can continue to remember Timmy with all kinds of stories. 

     I have had an emotional numbness of a week, which stinks.  Then I slowly figured out or tried to figure out why?  Then I realized it's always the week before or the week of, that I get this way.  It's been a long, long 10 months.   

10 months = 43, 452 weeks 

10 months = 304.167 days

10 months = 7300.01 hours 

10 months  = 438000 minutes 

10 months  = 26280028.2 seconds 

     Its been 10 months since I held your hand, heard your voice, smelled your deodorant, received a hug & seen you walk through the door. I guess no one understands that it's the little things.   The way you & Kaleb use to argue over the craziest things.  I have sensed you around a couple of times  ( ex: the bedroom door moving when no one is around, when the plastic little football fell out of a container sitting on your shot glasses with no one around, the last time was when I was in my car on lunch going to the store - no music on - then I pull in to parking lot at work and the radio comes on by itself.)

     With all that I have been through, I was asked this question & I had trouble answering it. But this is what I came up with. 

 Why would I say I'm proud of myself & my 3 reasons?

1. I'm able to forgive other people- is because I  have learned to show empathy to the bullies that verbally bullied me. 
2. I'm able to help other people- for the last 10 months I have learned so much by myself, about myself & my emotions.  I have also learned to share what I have been through & learned about this to other friends who have just lost their spouse.  So, I will share, encourage & listen to anyone who needs it.  I love to help people out there who is going through things that I have been through or still going through it.
3. Continuously Journaling- I will continue to journal & express myself with my emotions & everything that I learn. 

     It's hard for me to say I'm proud of myself.   I been told.  But with my past, it's hard to believe.  I am trying to say that.  But it's very very hard. 

I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers.