26 months-Harder

26 months- HARDER!!

26 months- 112.977 weeks 

26 months- 770.834 days

26 months- 18980.021 hours 

26 months- 1138801.25 minutes 

26 months- 68328074.4 seconds 

     Its been a couple of rough days- mentally and emotionally.  I have been trying to process the changes that are coming around in my daily routine.   Yes, it has been 26 months, since you have walked through the front door.   Now, is have several of the daycare kids, who i have had since the baby room to the 4-5 year old room.  They will be going to kindergarten.  I am not okay with that. 

     I told a couple of people that, I am not okay today.  One of those people told me that it will be okay & get better.   The next time someone tells me that.  I would probably go off.  With people suddenly leaving, it's hard for me mentally and emotionally to comprehend like that fast.  Because when people experience a traumatic event that happens right in front of them.  It's hard to explain.   When the routine or people who are in my daily group changes lately it has been hard for me.

 

25 months- seems like yesterday

 25 months- seems like yesterday 

25 months- 108.631 weeks 

25 months- 760.418 days

25 months- 18250.02 hours 

25 months- 1095726.6 minutes 

25 months- 65743595.8 seconds 

     25 months ago, it seems to be a long time. But it actually to me seems like yesterday that you were right in front of me & we were going back & forth whether to call 911 or not.  It's hard to love someone/ spouse when they are sick, injured or just don't feel good.  Just imagine that times 100++++++++. When you lose your spouse, you lose your weekend helper to clean house or mow the yard, you lose the other half of your income, you lose your helper to run errands & other things that couples do.  

     Right now, all of those have been a struggle for me right now.  Yes, there is 3 other people who live in the same house.  But 2 if them are disabled & the other 1 is working a job to help out.  But it's hard for me to have the energy that I need to begin to do my house hold duties.   Both inside and outside.  I have no energy what so ever.  

     When I get home, all I wanna do is change into my pajamas & lay in the bed.  Well, is can't do that.  When I get home, it cook supper, do what I can around the house, & then I run errands for the mother in law.   Then I can get my pajamas on.  This is almost every day.   I want even get started about the weekends. Yeah!!!! Nope!!!!!

     Ever since Timmy’s incident- I have been nonstop.  It has been rough to slow down & take some time for me.  Because when I want to take some me time.  Someone always needs something.   I try to put it off.  But, they want it now & until they get it.  They will bug the crap out of me.  

     The weekends- I get up do breakfast, try to cleanup, or mow the yard- run errand/ groceries if needed.  Lunch- then supper.   I am so burnt out.   It scares me sometimes to explain what the heck is going on in my head.  

     For someone who is grieving being burnt out is - not wanting to do anything, laying around, not wanting to talk to anyone & just being a lonesome body.  When people reach out to see if I am okay.  Sometimes I read their messages & respond back & other times I don't respond back.  It's hard for me to say leave me alone.   Or don't mess with me.   Normally, when I respond back to that person, they already know somethings up.  Or that I am in a rough mood.

Please continue to pray for us as we figure everything out.  

2 year anniversary- it stinks

 

     As I sit outside watching the storm clouds roll in. I wonder how I have made it through 2 years of you not being here. 2 years? It seems like it was yesterday. You walking out of Great Clips looking all spiffy. I wish today I had taken a picture, yet did I realize that we only had about 25 to 30 minutes left with you. I still remember what you kept saying to me every time I asked if, “You were okay? You said,” I am fine!” But you knew that you were going to be okay. I hate that I didn't do more to help you out. But since then, I have been overprotective of my immediate family. When they say that, they don't feel good. I turn into the mother figure. I wish I had put my foot down more towards you that night. 

     The last 2 years have been a learning process for me as a person. That is hard for me to say. But, I am getting there. I have learned how to talk about my emotions. I have learned to write things down about Timmy. I have learned to deal with my chronic social anxiety & depression. But that is really hard. Which I know I will never be right. But I am a (WIP)- work in progress. And l know I have some people who have my 6-(back). And I want to thank them. To the people who have checked on me throughout these months/ years. Thank you! To the one who checked on me at the beginning and then ghosted me. I am so-so.  

2 years = 24 months 

2 years = 730 days

2 years = 104.286 weeks

2 years = 17520 hours

2 years = 1051920 minutes 

2 years = 63115200 seconds

     I have some 1st sense Timmy passed. That was last year, this year I had to do my taxes as a single woman. Then I had a former classmate of Timmy’s that hit me up on Facebook Messenger. He said, “I didn't know that Timmy passed away. May I ask what happened?” I was in shock, apparently people don't read Facebook messages/post. They just scroll through them. Its becoming slowly difficult to type what happened. I have to say to myself. It's okay to say. I got this. 

    I know I keep repeating myself, I don't wish this on my worst nightmare. It's hard for me to move forward with that sentence. So I will stop right there.  

      I miss you so much Timmy! It is becoming harder to remember your voice. I miss you walking in the door. I miss hearing your cpap machine running. I miss hearing you & Kaleb fussing. I miss smelling your deodorant. At least, I have not thrown that away & I don't think I can.  

Please continue to pray for us as we still try to figure everything out. 

How do you ask for help?

How do you ask for help?

      As a widow, we are perceived to do everything by ourselves. But for someone who has always depended on other people to help you. It's really hard. I have always had trouble asking for help. Or for someone to help. How can you ask someone for help when you know they have their own lives to deal with?  

I will admit that I have amazing neighbors. I also have friends who have specific jobs that we need assistance with. But with those they are emergency issues. (Ie: when the basement flooded & the heater stopped working). However, I have trouble asking if someone can help me clean up around the outside of my house. I don't want to bother people with my problems that I should be able to do by myself. I would hire someone but going back to my last post, funds are very limited.   

I was always taught if you ask someone to help you. You should do something in return for them. (Ie: pay them or feed them).  

For me to be able to do cleaning or something around the house. I have to be in a mood. Or just turn on some music & just start cleaning. If I don't, I will just lay around in the bed or chair to watch TV or on my phone.  And when I do get started, I get it done.

Just saying!

Just saying!

 In my opinion, the average age of a widow has become much younger. The actual average age of a widow is 59 years old. I would have never thought of myself at the age of 45 to become a widow. This is definitely one big thing that no one tells you about when you lose a spouse. Is the financial issues you will have. With that being said, How many people think it is okay to say Widow’s have all the time in the world? I know of several different Widow’s and Widower's that are working 2 to 3 jobs to make ends meet. Yes, they have the support of the late Spouse's financial assistance. But, once that runs out. They wonder if they would be able to purchase food, pay attention bill or gas to go work. Take from someone who knows. It is really hard. You have this whole list of things you want to do. But you can't do it because it is not in your budget financially. When you do get money saved, then you try to get you bills caught up. Then you are back at it the next month. Then you are invited out with friends or to do something and you have to decline or say, “I am sorry, but i can't afford it right now!” I know that looks like I am a failure to me & all my friends that are there or who are going to attend will judge me.  

Individuals in America.

High Poverty Risk: With over 11 million widows in the US, and half of them living near the poverty line, they are considered an "invisible" group in homelessness data. 

This is hard for me to fathom. It's unbelievable that it is that many widows. I know some people are thinking that its not going to happen to me. But you never know.  

Please continue to say a prayer for all the Widow’s & Widower's that you know as they try to move forward with their everyday issues that they keep silent.   

 

Happy 2nd Heavenly birthday, Timmy!

 

Happy 2nd Heavenly birthday, Timmy!

          When it's a spouse's birthday, you always go out for it. Cake, balloons, gift & card. Or a routine out eating place. Well, when you have lost a spouse, you try to continue the same birthday traditions. But, it's hard to do that.  

     I also never imagined that March 11, 2024 would have been the last one. I also never imagined that I would be celebrating Timmy’s birthday without him. He was a big person celebrating birthdays- he really didn’t care about his on. It was always everyone else's. 

     With it being Timmy’s 2nd heavenly birthday, it's been hard. He would have been 48 this year. I will continue to honor his birthday by doing the same things that we always did. We will have cake. I will let Kaleb choose a balloon. We will probably eat at our 2 normal restaurants- Chick-fil-a & Mykonos.   

     I remember his 1st birthday, we celebrated together as a couple. We had a cake & a card. But at one point, financially it was really hard to get a cake & card. So we ended up getting a box cake & a homemade card. When we slowly got back on our feet, we were able to start going out to eat or on a day trip.  

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy! I love you & miss you so much. 🎂🧁❤️🎇

 

Remembering Timmy

 Remembering Timmy 

     As I sit here at my niece Makenna's 4 year old birthday party.   I wonder how Timmy would handling all this.  In my mind, he would be right there playing with our nephew Leighton on all the games.   I sure do miss him.  

Auntie Shortie aka: Cree Cree, Makenna, Leighton & Uncle Timmy has a angel watching over us. 

2026

July 4 Fireworks 

Makenna & Timmy 

Leighton's birthday - 1st time Timmy held Makenna 

     With it being 23 months since I have heard your voice, walking in the door & playing games with Leighton & Kaleb if he was there.  Or playing games by yourself.  

23 months- 99.941 weeks 

23 months- 699.584 days

23 months- 16790.018 hours 

23 months- 1007401.1 minutes 

23 months- 60444066.2 seconds 

     I have experienced somethings for the 1st time & with me to understand it.  It is hard.  And when I reflect on it, sometimes I think if Timmy were here it would be better.   Or I want the so stressed out about it.   But its so hard to explain what is going on.  

     In a couple of weeks, we will be celebrating your heavenly birthday.  We will probably do our normal celebratory birthday dinner.   If we are able to do so. And if we are financially able to. I love you & I miss you. 

Frustrating/ speaking my mind

Frustrating/ speaking my mind

     I know on this blog, I talk alot about missing Timmy.  How I am doing mentally, emotionally, physically and socially?  But what a lot of people don't talk about is all the struggles, you has as a widow.  You struggle with a lot & you tell no one about it.  It's like that Jelly Roll song, "I am not okay!"  

     First of all, when someone ask how you are doing?  Do want the short version or the long version?  The short version is that I am so-so.   The long version is - I have no down time- Caregiver of my mother in law, Mom & Dad.  Also, I have Kaleb.  I am working a full-time job and a part-time job (1/2 the year).  I am not a spring chicken.   I am mentally &physically falling apart. 

      Second of all, the emotional side. Lately I have been trying to change things by seeing a therapist.   It has worked.   But other days, its harder to express how I am feeling.   Sometimes I can talk to someone & I am good.  But it's the times when I can't find the words & I just want to sit by myself & just cry it out.  And when you break down, you have no one to console you.   Or to tell you that it is okay to cry, yell or beat the crap out of something.  

     Third of all, the mental side.  As many of you know my background- verbally bullied in school - which in turn being diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.  Currently added to the list- social anxiety, brain fog, widows fog.   Then you have to worry about the financial issues- are you going to have enough money to pay bills? Working your tail off paycheck to paycheck.  

     Fourth of all, the social side.  People invite you out to do things, but instead either you decline or they don't even follow through.   The reason you decline is because you don't physically want to go or you just want to be by yourself.   But you know you need to get out.   I have had a lot of plenty of people invite me out for a bite & I haven't heard from any of them again.

     Basically, what I am trying to say is.  If you don't know what to say to a widow or to do for them.  All you have to do is to show up.  Like I have said in the previous post/ blogs, I don't wish this on my worst nightmare.