21 months

 21 months 

     In the last 21 months, I have learned how to push forward even if I didn't want to. I have to get out of bed & continue with my day.  I have learned some techniques on how to explain what is going on inside my head & my emotions.   But, I know people could careless about what i have to say.  But, I will continue to honor Timmy with everything I have.  

     There is one thing that I don't like is the word Widow.  I am a survivor.   I am a I guess you can say a Rockstar.   But I don't feel like it. I am so tired, overwhelmed and not doing anything extra except what is on my schedule.  I have always had to favorite sayings.   1, is you got this. 2. Is never give up. 

     When people tell me that, they don't know how I do it.  It's something that Timmy showed me.  To always be kind & help out.  I guess that is the reason, its hard for me to say no.  Because in my mind, I have to stay busy.  

21 months = 91.25 weeks 

21 months = 638.751 days

21 months = 15330.017 hours 

21 months = 919801.008 minutes 

21 months  = 55188060.5 seconds 

Since I heard your voice, seen you walk in the door, & held your hand.   

Merry Christmas 2025

 Merry Christmas 2025

Picture of Timmy 2023

      This Christmas was much harder being the 2nd Christmas without you.  It's been hard lately explaining my emotions and what is going on inside my head.  Last year, I was still numb.  We normally put the tree & yard decorations up after Thanksgiving. But, we finally got them put up this past weekend.   It was hard trying to figure out how i was going to provide presents for the family.  Some how it always works.   

My background on my phone 

     I was challenged by my therapist to change my back screen on my phone.  She wanted me to keep it up for the whole month of December.  So I chose the above picture of the Santa.  When I pulled my phone up, I noticed that it was Timmy.  I would go back to that today 

  I could picture him sitting in the chair beside the Christmas tree @ the daycare.   

     When we put up the tree & stockings it was hard not to see your stocking hanging up.  But with your 2 ornaments that I received from the funeral home, it was hard yo see them on the tree.  I will always continue to honor you with everything/ chance I get.  

Merry Christmas to everyone!  

Please continue to pray for us!

Happy Thanksgiving! 20 months

 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

20 months 

     With it today being Thanksgiving , it was a busy day of cooking & keeping everything going correctly.   With it being our 2nd Thanksgiving without you.  It was hard, but a emotional.   Last year, i was still numb & trying to figure everything out.   Which I still have not done.   It has been really hard to do that.  But it's a day by day.   I am thankful for family and friends who have had my back since we were lost Timmy.  

     With it being 20 months of losing you, it seems still hard.   I know I keep repeating this over & over - month after month.  But it seems like a really bad dream to where I would wake up & you were standing right in front of me.   I know that is impossible.   But if it wasn't for your deodorant, sweatshirt, & the picture of us in the living room. It would be hard.  

20 months- 86.905 weeks 

20 months- 608.334 days

20 months- 14600.016 hours 

20 months- 876000.96 minutes 

20 months- 52560057.6 seconds 

I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers. 

Happy Anniversary, Timmy!

 

Happy Anniversary, Timmy!

     This week was a on /off week of emotions.  It was hitting me hard yesterday.   But I know that I got this!  Yes,  thinking about to before we even started dating.   I really didn't even know what it meant to be loved by someone.   But everytime I saw Timmy in passing, I had butterflies.  But I didn't think that we would last or even get married.   

      Apparently, Timmy knew from day one.   He told a couple of my friends that he was going to marry me.   We hadn't even went out on a date.  He was a kind and caring man.  He knew what he wanted & went for it.  

     This year would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary.   It is hard for me to say that.   But, he is looking over me.  I will always love & cherish him.  No matter what.  He was also my 1st love. 

I love you, Hinkdog! ❤️❤️

With the holidays coming around the corner.   For someone who has lost a spouse or a love one it's hard.  Please keep a check on your friends who are widows or widower.  They need encouragement or someone to talk to in this season.   Please don't give up on us. 

Please continue to say a prayer for me as I try to manage this holiday season.   

19 months

 

19 months 

     It seems like yesterday.   People keep telling me that it's going to get better.  But yeah right, NOT!!!! 

     I know this is your kind of weather.   This was your favorite season with High School, College & NFL football.   No matter what the weather was- you were always wearing a short sleeve shirt.   But the big thing that I miss is to snuggle.  

     I never knew what the older generations meant by having 5 more minutes with their loved ones who passed.   Now I understand, I wished I had 5 more minutes with Timmy. 

5 more minutes 

5 more minutes with Timmy is a wish I have. 

5 more minutes to hug him.

5 more minutes to talk to him.

5 more minutes to hold his hand.

5 more minutes to give him kisses. 

5 more minutes to hear his voice. 

5 more minutes to snuggle with him.

5 more minutes to tell him how my day was.

5 more minutes to tell him how much "I Love You!"

Now, I have only good memories & stories about him.

     It's been 19 months- 

19 months- 82.56 weeks

19 months- 577,917 days

19 months- 13,870.015 hours 

19 months- 832,200.912 minutes 

19 months- 49,932,054.7 seconds 

Since I was able to do anything from the poem. 

I miss you him so darn much! Love you, Hinkdog!!!

Please continue to pray for us!

18 months

 

18 months 

     The past 18 months has been with its ups & downs.  With it being 18 months, the sound of your voice is slowly going away.   The way you walked in the door is going away.  But your deodorant smell, I still have that.  Its becoming harder & harder to remember you.  

     People have been telling me that I have the memories that we had, since the other things are fading.  But anyone that knows me.  I am person that never forgets anything that happens around me.  I have several different things going on inside my head that I am trying to figure out how to deal with it.   I have learned some new things at therapy.  But I can't explain what I have learned.  

     During the morning time,  I have been quiet when I start my day at work.  Some people will check in with me to see if I am okay.  But others just keep walking.   I tell the ones that check, I'm so-so or I'm  okay. Which are the 2 sayings that I absolutely don't like saying.  I wish there were other sayings on how you feel.  I know there is, but not at that time.  

    I will continue to honor Timmy with everything I do.   I miss him so darn much.  Please forgive me if i have repeated myself from any previous post.  

     

I would like to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers.  

17 months

 17 months 

    

     17 months is a long time ago since I heard your voice, smelled your deodorant, & seen you walk in the door.  Yes, I am still asking 17 months later, Why could I have help more? What could I have done better?  I have been told to try to move on.  But no one knows what goes on inside someone's head after seeing their loved one pass in front of them.  

     There is only several different things that I have come to think about:

1) seeing other couples in public holding hands and hugging. 

2)  moving on in the future. 

     I have so much rage, because I see married couples holding hands, hugging & kissing.  Because I don't have it. 

     I wish I had something to hit with a bat to release some of this rage & some other kinds of emotions.   

     My therapist suggested that I start doing some more crafts - drawing, Crocheting, & other things.  I have made 1 scarf & 1 metal sign with design.  For me crocheting, I get my anger out on the yarn because if I mess up.  It helps, a little.   

16 months

 

16 months 

     16 months ago- it was a very traumatic day.   I will always continue to think about the love of my life, my partner, my best friend.   There are several different types of titles added to my name and about of all those.   The title i hate the most is Widow.  To me when you have that title attached to your name, there are other names you can add 1)SURVIVOR- 2) FIGHTER & 3) TOUGH WOMAN.  That's all I can think of. 

     The last month has been a rough one.  I wish you were here to help us out.  If it wasn't for my Dad.  I don't know what I would be doing.  I have been pulled mentally in a million different directions.   But some how I always remember & figure things out. 

      I also discovered that I am now a year older than Timmy.   He would have been 47 in March.  I will be 47 next week.   And this is my 2nd birthday with out him.  

     And I have some good news- Kaleb starts his new job on Sunday.   

Please continue to say a prayer for us as we figure out what's going on with Mom & Carolyn. 

15 months- missing you

 15 months-Missing you

      15 months = 65.179 weeks 

15 months = 456.25 days

15 months = 10950.012 hours

15 months = 657000.72 minutes 

15 months = 39420043.2 seconds

15 months = 39420043200 milliseconds 

 

     15 months- I have been working hard to verbally express my emotions using different words.  Right now, I am frustrated because there are several things no one tells you about when you become a widowed. 

     The 1st is loneliness- which has been hard.  Although I have Kaleb that's different.   Because I have no one to snuggle with at night.  I don't have/ had a bad dream.  Or someone to close to when trying to relax to go to sleep. 

    The 2nd is the financial issues- I am learning as I go - going from 2 income family to a 1 income family has been really hard.  Going from paycheck to paycheck & even taking on a part-time job,  which it's physical draining.  But it helps a little.   Kaleb has been trying to help.  But he has filled out 20+ applications.  But not one bite.  But at least he helps out at home.  

     I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I do this day by day.

     Please continue to pray for us as we try to figure this out.   Please pray for me as I continuously make it day by day.