15 months- missing you

 15 months-Missing you

      15 months = 65.179 weeks 

15 months = 456.25 days

15 months = 10950.012 hours

15 months = 657000.72 minutes 

15 months = 39420043.2 seconds

15 months = 39420043200 milliseconds 

 

     15 months- I have been working hard to verbally express my emotions using different words.  Right now, I am frustrated because there are several things no one tells you about when you become a widowed. 

     The 1st is loneliness- which has been hard.  Although I have Kaleb that's different.   Because I have no one to snuggle with at night.  I don't have/ had a bad dream.  Or someone to close to when trying to relax to go to sleep. 

    The 2nd is the financial issues- I am learning as I go - going from 2 income family to a 1 income family has been really hard.  Going from paycheck to paycheck & even taking on a part-time job,  which it's physical draining.  But it helps a little.   Kaleb has been trying to help.  But he has filled out 20+ applications.  But not one bite.  But at least he helps out at home.  

     I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I do this day by day.

     Please continue to pray for us as we try to figure this out.   Please pray for me as I continuously make it day by day.

 

14 months

 

 

14 months 

     14 months seems like a long time. It's is to someone who has lost someone. People have told me, that it will be okay. I have tried to comprehend that, but I relieved that day from day to day. I tried not to think about it. But it's hard. 

     I hear a song. I see one of his hats. I see one of his shirts or something that has JR Tobacco on it. It's HARD!! I know I don't show it, but it's been rough.   

14 months - 60.833 weeks 

14 months- 425.834 days

14 months- 10220.011 hours 

14 months- 613606.7 minutes 

14 months- 36792040.3 seconds 

     But there is one thing that I am learning about myself.   I hate being lonely.   That's hard for me to say.   I'm tired of being ghosted.  That's all I  am going to say about that.  

I know I'm all over the place with this blog.  But lately it's how my brain works. 

Please continue to pray for us.

13 months

 

13 months 

     I have been having trouble with writing this.  But, here it goes. It's a every day battle for me to understand why you left.   People have told me that it will get better.   Or you will get through it.   So far in my experience, this constantly sucks.

     I was talking to my therapist about this.   We were talking about Affirmations.  Did you know that there are Affirmations dealing with grief or loss?  Here are some:

• I release the tension in my body and relax.
• I take comfort in the memories of my loved one.
• I will hold on to love & release the grief. 
• I will give myself a break today. 
• It's okay that I need time to grieve.
• I can ask for help if I need it.

     It's been day by day.  And it's a learning experience as I go.  But who cares what I say.  

13  months = 56.488 weeks

13 months = 395.417 days

13 months = 9, 490.01 hours 

13 months = 369,400.624 minutes

13 months  = 34,164,037.4 seconds 

13 months = 34,164,037,440 milliseconds 

     It is really hard for me to say what I want.   Because I know I am going to have some things said back to me.  But I'm starting to learn, I don't care. But I'm a work in progress with everything that is going on with me.  

     There are some new things that I have going on.  Yes, once you lose a spouse- life has to keep on going.  

 Please continue to pray for us as we figure everything out.   

365 days - gone to long

 

365 days - gone to long

     I am trying to find the words to explain emotions & how I feel about today and the next couple of days.   I'm trying to explain my emotions with it being a year since I lost Timmy.  When people say that you will be okay.  Sorry no the flip you will not be okay.  It may get better.   But not right now.  That day is played over & over inside my head.  When you see your spouse take their last breath.  When the doctor's or nurse's come in & say "I'm sorry for your loss!"

     I have tried to put it in another part of my mind.  But everytime, I open my car door & look down at the pavement or gravel.   No matter where I am at parking my car. I am looking for Timmy to be there.  I know that sounds crazy.   But now it's a habit.  

     I want to see his face.  I want to hear his voice & I want him to walk through the door.   But I know that's not going to happen.   The last year has been an emotional living h--l. 

     It's been day by day. Which is?

1 year - 12 months

1 year - 365 days

1 year - 52.143 weeks 

1 year - 8, 760 hours

1 year- 525,600 minutes 

1 year- 31,536,000 seconds

      I know some people may say that's not alot.   But to someone who has lost a spouse or a love one it is.  

     I found this song.  And if you listen to the words, it describes Timmy very well. It is "Angel" by Beverly Mitchell.  If you have never heard this song, here are the words to it.

Angel

Beverly Mitchell 

Have you ever met an Angel 

Whose smile is like the sun

Whose laugh is like a melody 

That reaches everyone.

Have you ever hugged an Angel 

Swept up in their embrace

I swear there's nothing

 In this world that makes

You feel that safe.

Have you ever really loved an Angel 

Once you have you'll never 

Be the same again. 

Have you ever had to let 

Go of an Angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly

My Angel

My Best friend 

Have you felt the strength 

Of an angel

When you need it the most

Lifted by those gentle wings

You know you're not alone.

Every now & then I feel the peace inside 

Wherever life may take me, I'm guided by that light

Have you ever really loved an Angel

Once you have you'll never be the same again

Have you ever had to let go of an Angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly

My Angel

My Best friend 

Cause I have really loved an Angel

How could I ever be the same

Cause I have had to let go of my Angel 

Say goodbye, let 'em fly

My Angel 

My Best friend 

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to honor Timmy.  

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy!

 Happy Heavenly Birthday, Timmy!

     I didn't realize that last year was the last time, we would celebrate your birthday.   For someone who has lost a spouse go on to celebrate their birthday after their passing.  It's hard to explain how I am feeling about this and we are going to do.   I do know that I will get a cake of some sort.  We will get a balloon and place it over at your spot. 

     I pretty sure you are celebrating with everyone up there and watching over us. I miss you so much.   I love you, Timmy.  

     Please pray for us as we figure everything out.  

11 months

 

11 months 

     I spoke with a first responder last night who I have known for almost all my life.   He asked me, how are you doing?  I told him, okay! People say that it's going to get better.  But Yeah, NO!!!!!!!!!   He said it gets tolerable.  I have never heard anyone say that before.  But it's been hard lately.  

     In my opinion the last 11 months have been a living h--l.  I have been experiencing a lot of 1st by myself.  And I know it's a learning process.  It's creepy and scary not knowing what I am doing.  Especially getting my taxes done.  My friend has told me, Day by day.  

    As I look at the date for today it's hard to believe that it's been 11 months since you became my guardian angel.   That's still hard for me to say.  But I know you are watching down & checking in on us.  With several things have changed.   But we got this.  

11 months - 47.798 weeks

11 months  - 334.584 days 

11 months  - 8030.009 hours 

11 months  - 481800.528 minutes 

11 months  - 28908031.0 seconds 

     We have several things coming up.  Makenna's birthday. Both Kaleb and I are volunteering at Station 13 now with the auxiliary.  Saturday is the BBQ supper.  Both Kaleb and I are working it.  Kaleb also got invited to Prom this year.  He accepted.  I know you are proud of Kaleb and how he has stepped up.   I miss you so much.  I will continue to honor you in everything that Kaleb & I do.

 

Please continue to pray for us as the next couple of months will be rough.  

10 months- I'm trying.

 10 months - I'm trying

     Ok, I know these blog post are getting repeative & harder to do.   But it's hard to explain 10 months of grief to someone who is never experienced a loss of a partner or spouse. But I'm going to continue on doing this.  Because I can explain more on paper than verbally & I can continue to remember Timmy with all kinds of stories. 

     I have had an emotional numbness of a week, which stinks.  Then I slowly figured out or tried to figure out why?  Then I realized it's always the week before or the week of, that I get this way.  It's been a long, long 10 months.   

10 months = 43, 452 weeks 

10 months = 304.167 days

10 months = 7300.01 hours 

10 months  = 438000 minutes 

10 months  = 26280028.2 seconds 

     Its been 10 months since I held your hand, heard your voice, smelled your deodorant, received a hug & seen you walk through the door. I guess no one understands that it's the little things.   The way you & Kaleb use to argue over the craziest things.  I have sensed you around a couple of times  ( ex: the bedroom door moving when no one is around, when the plastic little football fell out of a container sitting on your shot glasses with no one around, the last time was when I was in my car on lunch going to the store - no music on - then I pull in to parking lot at work and the radio comes on by itself.)

     With all that I have been through, I was asked this question & I had trouble answering it. But this is what I came up with. 

 Why would I say I'm proud of myself & my 3 reasons?

1. I'm able to forgive other people- is because I  have learned to show empathy to the bullies that verbally bullied me. 
2. I'm able to help other people- for the last 10 months I have learned so much by myself, about myself & my emotions.  I have also learned to share what I have been through & learned about this to other friends who have just lost their spouse.  So, I will share, encourage & listen to anyone who needs it.  I love to help people out there who is going through things that I have been through or still going through it.
3. Continuously Journaling- I will continue to journal & express myself with my emotions & everything that I learn. 

     It's hard for me to say I'm proud of myself.   I been told.  But with my past, it's hard to believe.  I am trying to say that.  But it's very very hard. 

I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers.