11 months

 

11 months 

     I spoke with a first responder last night who I have known for almost all my life.   He asked me, how are you doing?  I told him, okay! People say that it's going to get better.  But Yeah, NO!!!!!!!!!   He said it gets tolerable.  I have never heard anyone say that before.  But it's been hard lately.  

     In my opinion the last 11 months have been a living h--l.  I have been experiencing a lot of 1st by myself.  And I know it's a learning process.  It's creepy and scary not knowing what I am doing.  Especially getting my taxes done.  My friend has told me, Day by day.  

    As I look at the date for today it's hard to believe that it's been 11 months since you became my guardian angel.   That's still hard for me to say.  But I know you are watching down & checking in on us.  With several things have changed.   But we got this.  

11 months - 47.798 weeks

11 months  - 334.584 days 

11 months  - 8030.009 hours 

11 months  - 481800.528 minutes 

11 months  - 28908031.0 seconds 

     We have several things coming up.  Makenna's birthday. Both Kaleb and I are volunteering at Station 13 now with the auxiliary.  Saturday is the BBQ supper.  Both Kaleb and I are working it.  Kaleb also got invited to Prom this year.  He accepted.  I know you are proud of Kaleb and how he has stepped up.   I miss you so much.  I will continue to honor you in everything that Kaleb & I do.

 

Please continue to pray for us as the next couple of months will be rough.  

10 months- I'm trying.

 10 months - I'm trying

     Ok, I know these blog post are getting repeative & harder to do.   But it's hard to explain 10 months of grief to someone who is never experienced a loss of a partner or spouse. But I'm going to continue on doing this.  Because I can explain more on paper than verbally & I can continue to remember Timmy with all kinds of stories. 

     I have had an emotional numbness of a week, which stinks.  Then I slowly figured out or tried to figure out why?  Then I realized it's always the week before or the week of, that I get this way.  It's been a long, long 10 months.   

10 months = 43, 452 weeks 

10 months = 304.167 days

10 months = 7300.01 hours 

10 months  = 438000 minutes 

10 months  = 26280028.2 seconds 

     Its been 10 months since I held your hand, heard your voice, smelled your deodorant, received a hug & seen you walk through the door. I guess no one understands that it's the little things.   The way you & Kaleb use to argue over the craziest things.  I have sensed you around a couple of times  ( ex: the bedroom door moving when no one is around, when the plastic little football fell out of a container sitting on your shot glasses with no one around, the last time was when I was in my car on lunch going to the store - no music on - then I pull in to parking lot at work and the radio comes on by itself.)

     With all that I have been through, I was asked this question & I had trouble answering it. But this is what I came up with. 

 Why would I say I'm proud of myself & my 3 reasons?

1. I'm able to forgive other people- is because I  have learned to show empathy to the bullies that verbally bullied me. 
2. I'm able to help other people- for the last 10 months I have learned so much by myself, about myself & my emotions.  I have also learned to share what I have been through & learned about this to other friends who have just lost their spouse.  So, I will share, encourage & listen to anyone who needs it.  I love to help people out there who is going through things that I have been through or still going through it.
3. Continuously Journaling- I will continue to journal & express myself with my emotions & everything that I learn. 

     It's hard for me to say I'm proud of myself.   I been told.  But with my past, it's hard to believe.  I am trying to say that.  But it's very very hard. 

I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers.  

Good bye 2024 & Hello 2025

 Goodbye 2024 & Hello 2025

     I don't know about everyone else.  But 2024 has been a hell of a year.  With it being the last day of the year, it is unreal.   I'm trying my hardest to go day by day.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone a lot lately. 

 

     I have tried to try new things.  Ex: hanging out with friends, getting a tattoo & trying to change my lifestyle.  I'm learning as I go being a widow and a single mother.  People may say they don't care about how I am feeling.   But I don't care.   I'm learning how to speak my mind.  But it's hard.  And I want back down.  

     I have been reminded to pick myself up, straighten my crown & find some good in the day. 

 

   

I pray everyone has a blessed, great & safe New Years.  

9 months - emotional- physically & mentally

 

9 months - 

9 months ( equal)

39.107 weeks

273.931649 days

6570.007 hours

394200.432 minutes 

23652025.9 seconds

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     9 months is a long time.  It's a long time to hear your voice.  It's a long time to hold your hand.  It's a long time to see you walk in the door.   But I know you are watching over us.  Occasionally I feel like you are around us.  

     The last 9 months have been really emotional, physically & mentally exhausted for me.  Especially the last 2 months with Thanksgiving & Christmas.   And with New Year's day right around the corner.   I don't know how it's going to be.  We are trying our best, but for me it's really hard.  

     I can't explain what is going on inside my head.  I have been trying to open up to my friends.  But it's been hard expressing my feelings.   I will continue to express my feelings and talk about Timmy.   If you don't care, don't pay attention to what I say.  

Please continue to pray for us as we are trying to figure things out.  

Update on Dad- part 4

 Update on Dad- part 4

     He got his cleared by his cardiologists.  He is able to go back to work.  But he is having trouble with his left upper arm.  He has to be cleared fully, so he can get his DOT physical.  He is so ready to go back to work.   

     Thank you for everyone thoughts, prayers, text messages & phone calls checking in on Dad.

    Please continue to pray for us as we continue to find out what is going on with his arm.  

Merry Christmas to you!

 This last couple of days, I have been trying to figure out how to write this. So here it goes.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

     I know everyone says that the holidays are suppose to be happy, cheerful, & wanting to be with family. Well, I know from this year, our Christmas will not be a normal Christmas. We are missing a crucial part of the family. It sucks. Putting up all the decorations - Yard blows ups, Christmas 🎄 and even the stockings -(which got put up tonight).  

     Once I found that Kaleb was asleep. I put out all the presents & Mom had on the Country Music 24/7 channel. The very next song that came on was Alabama “Angels among us. “ I knew was Timmy. He was letting us know that he was here while I put out Kaleb's presents. Which was one of the songs that was played on his memorial video. 

     I have been trying my darnest to stay strong but It has been really hard. Some how I have done that. Even when Dad played Santa at the daycare on Friday. Last Christmas, you played Santa at the daycare. Yet, did I know that was the last time that would happen.   

Please continue to pray for us as we are trying to get through the holidays. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Happy Thanksgiving!

I have been trying to figure out how to do this 1st Thanksgiving post without a part of the family. With it being time for Family. There is one thing that I can definitely say, that I am thankful to have had you in my life as long as I did. For me to say that it's hard. We started dating before Thanksgiving of 2002. That was the first time you met the whole family- Aunts, Uncles, All of my Cousins. Lol! And anyone who meets my family for the first time, it can be overwhelming. Then the very next day you called me & asked how about Christmas. I knew that there were going to be plenty more where that came from. I am thankful to have had you in my life for 21 years. I miss you so much Timmy. 

It's been 34.762 weeks, 243.334 days, 5840.006 hours, 350400.384 minutes, 21024023 seconds & 21024023040 milliseconds since I have heard your voice. It's getting harder and harder.  😢💔

I'm also thankful for my son. He has definitely stepped up to be the man of the house. I am blessed to have Kaleb in my life. Love you K Boogie !

I'm thankful for my family.   

I'm thankful for my friends. I want to thank them for being behind me for so long. Especially the last almost 8 months. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for the long talks on the phone - no matter what time. 

I would like to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers as we go through the holidays.