The grieving process

 The Grieving Process

     The last couple of weeks, I have confined in several of my friends that have been checking up on me.  That I still feel like I'm in shock, denial, still trying to process what has happened,  and trying to figure out what is going on inside my head.  It's scary.  I'm so confused.   I tried to explain how I'm feel & sometimes at least 1 person tries to change the subject.  Which I don't need for that to happen. I'm trying not to be a burden towards anyone.  But that's how I feel.  

     I have heard it's the widow's fog.  Which widow's fog is know as widow's brain, it's describes mental difficulties or memory impairment that may occur after the death of a spouse.  This feeling is thought to be a coping mechanism, where the brain attempts to shield itself from the pain of a significant trauma or loss.  Grief can impact mental functioning, causing issues such as : forgetfulness, difficult concentrating, mental fatigue, challenges in decision-making,  exhaustion, irritability,  nausea, and inability to finish basic task.  The time frame for the duration of widow's fog varies from person to person. It can last from a few weeks to a year or more.  

     I'm learning so much as I go.  But it's a slow process.   So, if I stop in the middle of of a sentence while I'm talking to you. Please bear with me.   I'm trying to figure this out the best I can.

Please continue to pray for us, as we continue go forward. 

A long 3 months

A long 3 months 

I MISS YOU SO MUCH,  HINKDOG!!!!!

     I'm trying to find out what words I want to use or how I want my words to say what I am saying.  It has been a long busy 3 months,  we had Prom, Mother's day, Graduation & a 18th birthday.   That's not all a 18th birthday party/ graduation party & Father's day- every single one of days, I have missed you.  I know they are suppose to be happy days, but NO!!!!!!

     I'm trying everything to keep on going for Kaleb.   But it's hard.  I know you have been watching over us.   Especially when I had my colonoscopy.  With my anxiety level being 13+, then I called your name and I could feel your presence standing at the curtain watching over me.   But people my say I want "loco.  But who cares.  

     It's wild, everything.  I feel you near.  I just get the feeling of peace over me.  I feel like someone is always watching me.  But no one is there.  I miss you so much.  It has been 3 months since I have heard your voice in a conversation.  It has been 3 months since I have seen you walk in the door, laid in the bed & since I have heard your Cpap machine working.  I want to call your name. But I know in my heart you will answer.  But not out loud.

     I know you are so proud of what both Kaleb and I have accomplished.  I basically haven't done as much as Kaleb has.  If it wasn't for Kaleb, I don't know how I can do what I do.  The other day,  he surprised me,  we sent to Food Lion to get groceries for Grandma Carolyn.   When he got into the store, he walked over to the flowers.  He grabbed a bouquet of flowers.  I asked him,  " who are those for?" He said, "For you Mama!"  I asked, " What did I do to deserve these?"  He said, " For putting up with me and for the last couple of months. "  I said, "Thank you,  baby!"  He said, " You're welcome & I love you!"

Please continue to pray for us!

 

A hard post - Congratulations, Kaleb!

 As I sit here trying to find the words to use for what is going to be a busy weekend.  I'm also trying to find the words to explain how I feel about my little boy who is now a young man that is graduating and turning 18.  It's going to be hard all day Friday and Saturday.   But, I know I have people who have my 6. And I want to thank them in advance.  

I really don't know where to start.  Well, I guess I will start from the beginning.  It was October 2005, I was constantly getting sick to my stomach.  I couldn't hold anything down.   I held it out, it calmed down. Then in December 2005, it started up again.  I ended up going to the doctor and found out that I was 3 1/2 months pregnant.   I was freaking out. What in the world were we going to do.   

Then in February 2006, we went to see what the baby was. When I found out it was a boy.  It blew my mind.  People kept asking me, if I was ready to have a baby.  I didn't know what I was in for.   

Then on June 6th, 2006, yes 6/6/06. I went for a check up & the doctor said, be back at the hospital tonight. We are going to induce you. In my mind, I thinking I'm not having my baby on 6/6/06.  Then 2 days later, Kaleb Hinkle showed up.  It was on of the best days of my life.   But I had some rough times after that.  

We have been through so much.   We have been homeless living in a hotel.   We transferred you from Clover garden to Western.   Which opened you up to new things.  You have grown into a very smart young man.   

I know this big achievement will be different because we are missing a part of trio.  Daddy would be so proud of you.   It's going to be hard all weekend.   But we will get through it.   Daddy will be there with you at graduation.   He will be there with us on Saturday during your party.   

I would love to tell you that I am so proud of you and I love you to the moon and back. Both Daddy & I are so proud of you.  Plus Nana & Big Buddy.

CONGRATULATIONS, Kaleb & the Class of 2024.  You did it. 

  

Venting- my 2 cents

 I thought once people grew into adults they would stop talking about people behind their backs.  But I guess it's not possible.   If they are miserable, then I guess everyone else around them has to be the same way.  Instead of listening to what they are saying, you have other things on your mind & going on in your life.  So you know what who cares.  You're trying your best not to fret. But who cares. 

If you are doing what you are told & not beating around the bush.  Then you are good.  If you know it needs to be done, stay on top of it. Get it done!!!   But if you don't care, then don't do it.   

Debating how to start- its been hard

   

    As I sit here in Kaleb's parking spot at Western for the Senior Awards.   I'm wishing I had someone else with me who was probably prouder than me.  Because Kaleb took over his nickname from high school.  I can't believe that in 2 weeks or less- I will have a 18 year old and a high school graduate.  It really stinks that Timmy can't be here.   

     It has been 8 weeks since I heard your voice, since you walking in the door.  It's been 8 weeks since I heard you snore & your cpap.  It's been hard.  But I have been busy & trying to get everything together for Kaleb's graduation and birthday party on June 8.  I'm trying my best to make things happen.   

     I want to thank Dad, Mom, Ashley and Jeff for having my 6- (back).  We have been trying to keep things going for Kaleb.  We started the 18 gifts til 18th birthday.   It's been fun doing this. 

     We did take a day trip to Philpott Lake in VA & Fairystone Park in VA - Mother's day weekend.   It was fun just to get out & have fun.  But people might say I'm crazy for doing that who gives a crap. 

A month

     

      I know people may say that I am crazy for doing this.  But if it helps me, I will continue to do this.  I have been doing so-so.  Well that's a lie, too.  I know coming from me it sounds weird.

     I was sitting at Western after a Senior Breakfast Meeting for parents to get things together.  I had already talked to a couple of ladies that I knew.  As I was walking out to the car.  I just lost it.  I don't like this feeling.  

     People have told me that it will hit you all of a sudden.   I didn't believe them,  but now I do.  It will be a month tomorrow since I have heard your voice.  That's all I want to do.  But I know I can't.   Some people have given me some ideas about that.  It's a work in progress.   

     I would like to thank everyone for their continued support and prayers.   

The last couple of weeks

 

The last couple of weeks.

So I have been trying to explain what is going on in my head and how I am feeling.  But words just don't come to me like that right now.  So I am trying to talking it in my head & then type it.  If it doesn't sound good, then I am sorry.   But who cares.

This past week has been a living h---. I have lost my best friend, my husband and my partner.   As it showed today, he was very well loved.  I didn't know he knew so many people.  But I guess he did.  

Many of people have been checking in on me.  But all I can say is that I'm okay.  But blame well knowing that I am not.   It stinks, trying to find the words.  But I would like to thank everyone who has been checking on me.  

As I type this I am sitting on the front ramp, in the sun, listening to the birds and watching the crazy cars go by.  I gave seen a couple of cardinals both male and female.   And a crazy squirrel that chases the birds off. Getting side tracked, I was saying just being outside it's feels good to feel the sun on my face & the wind blowing my hair.   

Trying to stay busy is in my mind is what I need to do.  But its just  not what I want to do.  I do know that starting last Thursday, my attention span has been short with everyone.   I have tried my best to turn it around.   I hope I can. But I googled the stages of grief.  What I read as the stage 1- denial.  I also think that I am being a bother to people.   

Stage 1- Denial

It is scary.  Not knowing what is going on in your head.   But you want to shutdown.  But you can't.  You have everyone around you, & your are wanting to talk to someone.  But you can't explain.  I already suffer from Depression and Anxiety.  Both of them have really started showing their ugly heads. 

  Please continue to pray for us.