5 months- IYKYK

 5 months

As I sit here outside feeling the breeze & sun on my face. I'm trying to find the words to show how I feel missing you for the last 5 months. With it being 5 months. It has been 219145.319 minutes & 13148719.2 seconds since I have heard your voice & seen you walk in the door. Kaleb & I are doing good. Just trying to stay on top of everything. I don't want to be repeating my words from the previous post. But I'm trying to still wrap my head around everything.  

I have been challenged to write things down in a journal. In the journal, I was asked to write my emotions and feelings. And just everything that was going on in my head. I have written so much that I might have to get another notebook. Which I guess is a good sign. But it has been hard to open up and write things down. I have had to really reach deep down and find the words that I need. This is really outside of my box. If it helps, I will keep on doing it. 

(Something like this)

I also have been challenged to get out of the house even more than usual. So, what I started doing was walking. My goal is to get to 2 miles. I know you guys must think I'm crazy. But I have walked a mile & a half. I'm not going to lie. It was hard & still is. But I'm venturing out.  

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to learn new things without Timmy.  

Talk with a very good friend

 

Talked to a very good friend 

     I have been having some rough days.  It's been hard.  I told my good friend that, Mentally, I was done.   I was becoming overwhelmed with everything.   He told me I want you to try something.   

     He said get paper & pen & start writing.   He told me to write a letter to no one.   It's only been several days since I started writing.   It's okay.   I guess.  

     Then another friend told me that I needed to be specific and try to do the basic emotions.   But I'm venturing out to do further than the basic emotions. I'm so glad, God or Timmy had placed this friend in my life.   He has challenged me to do alot of things.  

     I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers.  😔😥

Birthday wishes- Thank you

Birthday wishes- Thank you!

      I would like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes.   I had a good birthday.   I had a party with the kids at work.  Then dinner with the family.  Today at work one of my coworkers asked me, "What I wanted for my birthday?"  I told her only one thing.  But I physically can't have it.  

     I did receive some cards, gifts & cupcakes.   The ladies at work- a card & a gift.  My Aunt & Grandma- a card.  My neighbor across the street- a birthday card & cupcakes.  

     As I lay in bed, reading all the birthday messages.  I am missing a part of my party.  I'm okay right now.   But later on tonight.  I might not be okay.   If you know, you know. I really appreciate it.  

Thank you for your continuing prayers. 

 

4 long months

4 long months 

     Today has been a long day.  It's been hard for me to write something up & then it doesn't sound good.   But it's like Doug from the movie, "UP!"  "Squirrel!!!"  

     Today is 4 months since I have heard your voice, seen you walk in the door & laid in the bed beside you.  I explained that to a good friend & he said to sit down & listen to my words.  Think about what is going on around you.  I said, okay!  He said don't get mad at me or pissed off.  He said, Timmy is not coming back.  I have had heard that plenty of times before that.  But the way he said it, it was coming from someone outside my bubble.  

     The next line he said, was that I needed not to stay at home. He told me that I needed to do something by myself.   

1. Get nails done

2. Get toes done

Then he kept listing things that I need to do.  In my mind, if I was to to them my anxiety level would be up.  

     I ventured out this past weekend, when Ashley & I went to a New Kids on the Block concert in Charlotte.   I was so excited, but I felt like I was having a out of body experience.   I just felt weird while having fun.  

     Then when talking to the friend.  He told me remember several different sayings.  They have really helped:

 1.  Remember, keep moving! If you stop, that's 100% certainly you want make it!

2.  You got this! Inch by inch, side by side!

    

     Then I had lunch with some classmates from.high school - Justin Tolley, Sarah Roney, Jennifer Miles, Katie Snider, Kristi Wilson & Jamie Troxler.  We all had a ball & a good time.

     I'm trying to expand what I do & try new things.  It is scary.  If someone can help me or give me some ideas, please let me know?

Thank you for the continuing thoughts and prayers.   

The grieving process

 The Grieving Process

     The last couple of weeks, I have confined in several of my friends that have been checking up on me.  That I still feel like I'm in shock, denial, still trying to process what has happened,  and trying to figure out what is going on inside my head.  It's scary.  I'm so confused.   I tried to explain how I'm feel & sometimes at least 1 person tries to change the subject.  Which I don't need for that to happen. I'm trying not to be a burden towards anyone.  But that's how I feel.  

     I have heard it's the widow's fog.  Which widow's fog is know as widow's brain, it's describes mental difficulties or memory impairment that may occur after the death of a spouse.  This feeling is thought to be a coping mechanism, where the brain attempts to shield itself from the pain of a significant trauma or loss.  Grief can impact mental functioning, causing issues such as : forgetfulness, difficult concentrating, mental fatigue, challenges in decision-making,  exhaustion, irritability,  nausea, and inability to finish basic task.  The time frame for the duration of widow's fog varies from person to person. It can last from a few weeks to a year or more.  

     I'm learning so much as I go.  But it's a slow process.   So, if I stop in the middle of of a sentence while I'm talking to you. Please bear with me.   I'm trying to figure this out the best I can.

Please continue to pray for us, as we continue go forward. 

A long 3 months

A long 3 months 

I MISS YOU SO MUCH,  HINKDOG!!!!!

     I'm trying to find out what words I want to use or how I want my words to say what I am saying.  It has been a long busy 3 months,  we had Prom, Mother's day, Graduation & a 18th birthday.   That's not all a 18th birthday party/ graduation party & Father's day- every single one of days, I have missed you.  I know they are suppose to be happy days, but NO!!!!!!

     I'm trying everything to keep on going for Kaleb.   But it's hard.  I know you have been watching over us.   Especially when I had my colonoscopy.  With my anxiety level being 13+, then I called your name and I could feel your presence standing at the curtain watching over me.   But people my say I want "loco.  But who cares.  

     It's wild, everything.  I feel you near.  I just get the feeling of peace over me.  I feel like someone is always watching me.  But no one is there.  I miss you so much.  It has been 3 months since I have heard your voice in a conversation.  It has been 3 months since I have seen you walk in the door, laid in the bed & since I have heard your Cpap machine working.  I want to call your name. But I know in my heart you will answer.  But not out loud.

     I know you are so proud of what both Kaleb and I have accomplished.  I basically haven't done as much as Kaleb has.  If it wasn't for Kaleb, I don't know how I can do what I do.  The other day,  he surprised me,  we sent to Food Lion to get groceries for Grandma Carolyn.   When he got into the store, he walked over to the flowers.  He grabbed a bouquet of flowers.  I asked him,  " who are those for?" He said, "For you Mama!"  I asked, " What did I do to deserve these?"  He said, " For putting up with me and for the last couple of months. "  I said, "Thank you,  baby!"  He said, " You're welcome & I love you!"

Please continue to pray for us!

 

A hard post - Congratulations, Kaleb!

 As I sit here trying to find the words to use for what is going to be a busy weekend.  I'm also trying to find the words to explain how I feel about my little boy who is now a young man that is graduating and turning 18.  It's going to be hard all day Friday and Saturday.   But, I know I have people who have my 6. And I want to thank them in advance.  

I really don't know where to start.  Well, I guess I will start from the beginning.  It was October 2005, I was constantly getting sick to my stomach.  I couldn't hold anything down.   I held it out, it calmed down. Then in December 2005, it started up again.  I ended up going to the doctor and found out that I was 3 1/2 months pregnant.   I was freaking out. What in the world were we going to do.   

Then in February 2006, we went to see what the baby was. When I found out it was a boy.  It blew my mind.  People kept asking me, if I was ready to have a baby.  I didn't know what I was in for.   

Then on June 6th, 2006, yes 6/6/06. I went for a check up & the doctor said, be back at the hospital tonight. We are going to induce you. In my mind, I thinking I'm not having my baby on 6/6/06.  Then 2 days later, Kaleb Hinkle showed up.  It was on of the best days of my life.   But I had some rough times after that.  

We have been through so much.   We have been homeless living in a hotel.   We transferred you from Clover garden to Western.   Which opened you up to new things.  You have grown into a very smart young man.   

I know this big achievement will be different because we are missing a part of trio.  Daddy would be so proud of you.   It's going to be hard all weekend.   But we will get through it.   Daddy will be there with you at graduation.   He will be there with us on Saturday during your party.   

I would love to tell you that I am so proud of you and I love you to the moon and back. Both Daddy & I are so proud of you.  Plus Nana & Big Buddy.

CONGRATULATIONS, Kaleb & the Class of 2024.  You did it.